Anxiety!!!!!!!!!!!

So, tomorrow my 3 year old daughter goes into hospital to have a tonsillectomy. She’s having it done because up to now in her life she’s had 12 febrile seizures and is under a specialist. He has said that he thinks the seizures are bought on by her bodies inability to cope with tonsillitis.

This is sending me and my mental state into meltdown! My anxiety is acting up really bad. I’m stressing about how dangerous the operation is. I’ve been reading and the operation is performed with a scalpel and the tonsils are really close to a main artery. This means that all the surgeon has to do is slip a little bit and my 3 year old little girl could bleed to death!!!!! This may seem like a bit of an overreaction but seriously my brain is doing cartwheels right now. I want to be strong for my daughter who needs me but I feel like locking myself away from everyone and not coming out for a couple of weeks.

Hopefully, she will be OK and I’ll just be left feeling stupid but I can’t help thinking like it, it blows my head!

After the operation she’s going to be really sore and feel like crap. We’ve got to stay overnight in hospital with her and then she should be out the next morning which will be good if it happens like that. Then, there’s the chance that she can bleed whilst at home and if that happens we’ve got to rush her back up the hospital. I read about somebody dying from that too. I’m so scared it’s crazy!!!

Be safe, be happy and most of all be nice.

Depressed at Christmas

So, today I was asked by a company called Pay Plan on Twitter how I feel about the stress that debt causes people with depression at Christmas and this got me thinking…

Christmas is a tough time for the best of people. It’s full of stress and worry. The pressure that’s put on people just to buy someone else a present and a card is ridiculous. For me, Christmas is about kids. Not whether you remember to buy your great aunt Sally from Katmandhu a £10 present, it’s stupid! As long as my kids are ok and they are happy over Christmas that’s all that matters to me. The amount of money spent at Christmas is crazy aswell. People spend so much money on one day, it’s madness.

My daughter has got an operation on Thursday to have her tonsils out. At the minute me and her mum are worrying so much about her being around germs and people who are ill it’s sending me crazy. I’m sure she’ll be ok but it don’t stop me worrying.

Be sure to check out payplan.com/happynewyear to read their article about debt and the stress it causes to people with mental health problems and check them out on Twitter to @payplan. My Twitter is @dwd87 check that out and like and share my blog please.

Be safe, be happy and most of all be nice.

Christmas is Coming

Spending time with my family is by far the best feeling in the world. Just sitting with them watching the tele, one of them sitting on my lap, most of the time playing with my goddamn ears! They’ve all played with my ears, I don’t know what it is, must be a comfort thing I suppose. My household is loud, at times very stressful and extremely messy but I wouldn’t change it for the world. They are amazing and they are my world.

Im sorry for all of this I was just appreciating what I had and remembering that life isn’t all bad.

Its Christmas soon. My children are like stupidly excited as all kids are but I worry at this time of year. I worry that I’m letting them down, that I can’t buy them every present they want. That they’re going to wake up Christmas morning and be disappointed by what presents they’ve got. They are grateful for anything they get but I just want them to be happy!

Christmas is a brilliant time of year but the whole build up does my head in. I know I’m being a bit of a Scrooge but literally November and there’s Christmas songs blasting everywhere, there’s Christmas decorations everywhere, it’s crazy!

 

The Stigma of Men with Depression

Dad’s are not meant to be depressed. Dad’s are meant to be big and strong, never cry, look after everyone and not have emotions. Well, dad’s do cry. Dad’s have got emotions as well. The whole stigma that is still, even in this day and age, attached to men having depression and just being vulnerable in general is just stupid. In fact the stigma that’s attached to depression in general is horrible. How people can still be so oblivious and flippant about it really gets to me. I was once told by one of my counsellors that people deal with people who have depression in two ways: they either give them too much sympathy or not enough. This is so true it’s unbelievable. You either get people that are just condescending and make you feel like you’re a child or you get people who are completely the opposite and just tell you to get over it and it’s just a made up illness. I think it’s easier for people to think like that. It’s easier for them to just say get over it than it is to actually try and understand how that person is actually feeling and to try and comfort them in some way. I get that I sound like I’m never happy with how anyone deals with somebody who has depression but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve actually come to realise that people will deal with it however they choose to deal with it and you or I can’t change that. In fact the only thing I can do as someone with depression is try to understand the way they deal with me and to not judge them for the way they feel.

I know that was probably a load of rambling but I needed to get it off my chest.

On a brighter note my little bro’s coming out of hospital today!!!

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Today’s Been a Bit Crazy!

Wow! Since I started a Twitter account for my blog I’ve been amazed by the love and support I’ve received. I am extremely grateful to everyone that has taken the time out of their day to read about me and my problems. Thank you! I have answered most comments and things and this is extremely time consuming. I am really sorry but I’m going to have to answer all comments and tweets and everything else of a night time because first and foremost I need to be a good dad and that doesn’t involve having my head in my phone all day.

I’ve had quite a bad day today. My little brother is in hospital because he had appendicitis. He had to have surgery to remove his appendix and though rough he seemed ok. Then he went downhill and started complaining of chest pains and after doing his sats they said his heart was racing. In the end it turned out he had blood clots on his lungs. I am actually really quite worried. I so want him to be ok.

Normally I wouldn’t talk about the weather but Jesus it’s rained A LOT today! Storm Angus apparently. I’ve been soaked then dry then soaked then dry again. If I’m not ill because of it I’ll be amazed. Everything just seems more depressing as well when it’s raining. I hate it! Thing is I kind of hate all weather. I like it when it’s just normal. Not too hot, not too cold and definitely not bloody wet!

This is going to shock some people. We have our bloody Christmas tree up already! The Mrs has been all Christmassy for about the last two weeks. Singing bloody Christmas songs, having them blasting loud on the bloody tele. I’m not normally Scrooge like but the fact that she’s so upbeat about it for some reason has made me really hate it! I don’t even know why. I think I’m just that used to arguing with her I automatically go against everything she says without even realising. Bless, I do love her though.

i was genuinely amazed by all the support I’ve received in the last 24 hours and I just want to say thank you again. If you enjoy my blog and are on WordPress please follow and hit that like button. Also, drop me a line!!! I want more comments. I want to interact with you lovely people, so feel free.

 

Am I Bi?

Granted, the title is pretty misleading but I thought it was funny. I meant bi-polar ha ha. I have many of the symptoms. Obviously a lot of the symptoms are the same as depression but I also have ultra high moments where I feel like I’m bouncing off the walls. Surely if it was depression I would be down all the time? Everything I’ve read about bipolar though says that these bouts of extreme happiness and sadness are normally months at a time in length. Mine aren’t. I can be extremely happy one minute then extremely fed up the next. I haven’t seen my psychiatrist in a while mainly because I just haven’t got the motivation to get up and go. A little bit of me is scared as well and I don’t even know why. I think it’s like a social anxiety thing. I don’t know!

Writing all my thoughts down is being both a good thing and a bad thing. On the one hand it’s good to express how I’m feeling and to almost get it off my chest. On the other hand I feel like all I’m doing is writing bad things. Obviously when I feel the way I do though it’s hard to think of happy things to write about. It’s hard to get up in the morning. It’s hard enough to even have the energy to write this bloody blog. God, I hate life!

My girls are the one shining light in my bleak excuse of a life. They are amazing and having them is all that keeps me going a lot of the time. I honestly think if they weren’t here I would have done something stupid by now. They are mine and I love them so much it’s crazy. My middle daughter (I have three) is a wild one. She reminds me a bit of bam bam off the Flinstones. She’s like a cave girl. She’s always getting into trouble, playing up, jumping all over the place. She has a problem with febrile seizures. In her life up to now she’s had 12 seizures with the last one lasting 40 minutes. If they go 60 minutes they have to be put to sleep to try and bring her out of it. It’s so scary. Whenever she gets ill I am crazily on edge just in case she does it again. She is under a consultant at our hospital and he has said that it’s because her body can’t deal with tonsillitis. So we’re having them took out. She has her op on the 1st December, I’m absolutely crapping myself. She scares the heck out of me, crazy child!

My first child is 8 years old now. That seems crazy to say. Time flies! She’s amazing. When she was a toddler she had crazy blonde curly Afro-like hair which looked exactly the same as mine when I was little. Now it’s just long and wavy. She’s doing brilliantly at school, every time we have a parents evening all we ever get are good reviews and it scares me how clever she is.

My baby is just one. She has only just turned one as well and she’s a little nutter. She walks with her hands outstretched to try and balance and she’s saying loads of things now too. The other day she even sat down and stacked up 3 blocks now I don’t know much about children’s development but that’s got to be good!

Well I’ve had fun talking about my kids, I love them all to pieces and if it weren’t for them I wouldn’t be here!

Confused Daily

Everyday I get this feeling where I don’t know what’s going on. I say things I wasn’t meant to say and I mean physically. I think about saying something and something totally different comes out my mouth. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m in complete control of my own body. I also get extremely agitated and literally feel like my blood is boiling. I itch when this happens, really badly itch, to the point where I bleed. Saying it out loud like this I sound like a right weirdo!

It often takes me long to react to things like people asking me a question. It’s like my brain just stalls and I have to try and jolt myself back to reality. I know at the minute I haven’t got many views or visitors but of the few out there has anybody else had experiences like this so I don’t feel weird. I hate it, it makes me feel slow.

Being a Dad

Being a dad with depression is extremely difficult. My girls expect to have a dad that looks after them and someone they can be proud to call their dad. I am neither of these. I’m a pathetic excuse of a dad. Of a human being. I hate myself so much. I have to try and hide my condition and my moods from my daughters and it’s so hard. My eldest knows that I’m not normal. She knows that her dad isn’t the same as everybody else’s and I think that annoys her. And I don’t blame her. It’d annoy me too. I just hope as they grow older they realise that I can’t be that person and they accept me for who I am.  I quite often think they would all be better off without me.

Today is my girlfriends birthday and I’m really struggling to not be selfish and show my mood. I feel like crap. I’m so fed up and down and that’s going to piss her off because it’s selfish. It’s her birthday and I need to sort myself out and snap out of it. I say that but it’s never that simple. I can’t just snap out of it. I wish I could. If I could have I would have a long long time ago. I hate feeling like this. I am just a burden on everybody I know. It’s no wonder I don’t have many close people in my life. They probably all try to stay away from me because I do their heads in. God, I just wanna die!

Hearing voices or am I?

Occasionally I think I hear voices. I often hear my name being whispered. Just my name. When I’m on my own I also think I’m hearing sex noises. I know this sounds weird but I’m almost certain it’s not the neighbours. I spend a lot of time in my own head. It’s something I’ve come to realise over the years and often annoys me and others around me. I tend to get lost in my thoughts when someone asks me a question or talks to me and so I have to remind myself to speak. Then I end up just blurting out a load of nonsense that means nothing.

My girlfriend and mum to my 3 girls is quite possibly the most amazing person I know. She gets extremely frustrated with my whole situation but she has put up with me for years and I often don’t appreciate her as much as I should have. She has been through a lot with me and I offer absolutely nothing to the relationship and yet she still wants me. God I love her! Obviously, she also gave me my 3 gorgeous girls and so she will always be special to me.

My 3 girls are also absolutely amazing. The eldest is 8 years old now and is starting to ask why I’m so fed up and why I don’t work and stuff and it really hits home. I want her and the other two to be proud of me. I just can’t muster up the energy or motivation to do anything for them to be proud of. I fail at absolutely everything. I’m slow! I used to work in a garage and they used to call me Frank Spencer. If you don’t know who that is, he’s a dope who always messes things up all the time. I just wish I could be the dad they want and need. God it’s no wonder I’m depressed. This is all very depressing.

My children are my life and primarily I am a dad before anything else. They mean the world to me and one day they will be proud of me.