My Life is Hard

Mental illness comes in lots of forms and varieties.

Many of them are extremely hard to cope with and seriously misunderstood.

I have depression and an anxiety disorder.

It’s not as hard to deal with my symptoms as it probably is for a schizophrenic to deal with theirs.

But I suffer nonetheless.

I hate waking up in the morning. I can’t wait to go to sleep on the night.

We all have different coping mechanisms and mine are pretty crap.

I can’t cope with anything.

I cry over the most stupid things. I lose my temper over silly little things.

My life is hard, not because I have loads to deal with or I’m really unfortunate, but because I struggle to cope.

I struggle to cope with the most simplest things.

That’s why my life is hard!

Depression and the Elderly at Christmas

Christmas time. Families across the globe wake up to overly-excited children desperate to tear open their presents and dad’s who are just as desperate to tuck into Christmas dinner. The point is it’s a time to spend with family and whilst opening presents and Christmas dinner are just two amazing things about this holiday, some people won’t be having as much fun.

Elderly people get overlooked a lot and it infuriates me. I hate the idea that there are people, who are not only vulnerable because of their age, but equally discarded by society because they are “too old”. These people should be celebrated more. They are the reason we are here. A lot of them are the reason we are free.

Being alone at Christmas doesn’t bear thinking about but unfortunately for some of these people it is their life now. They are alone at Christmas whilst you are opening presents. They are alone whilst you are tucking into your Christmas dinner. They are alone when you are settling down with your family on the night time.

These people need us to share this amazing holiday with them. If you know an elderly person, be it a grandparent, a great grandparent or just one of your neighbours, ask them to Christmas dinner. Be nice this Christmas, they deserve this. They deserve to be looked after, even if you don’t know them.

I’m saying all this because being alone at Christmas can cause depression. Of course it can. It can also cause other problems like depression old friend, anxiety. The elderly won’t come and ask you if they can come to Christmas dinner so buy an extra dinner plate, a bigger turkey, a few more sprouts and make this Christmas, a special one for them.

Social Anxiety = Me

Guess who’s back? Back again? Lol but anyway I’m writing this today because I’m feeling really disheartened and quite low. I received a message last night saying one of my old friends had managed to get me a job interview. Now, my first instinct was to jump at the opportunity because well, I need a job. So I said yes. This was at half twelve on the night and by 3am I still wasn’t asleep because I was thinking about it so much. My brain was racing and I was getting scared. My old friend said that he knew I wouldn’t let him down and that just made it ten times worse. See I have really bad social anxiety where I really struggle to even speak to people I know let alone somebody who’s judging me in an interview. I hate myself but after contemplating it until 3am and then again this morning I decided I just couldn’t do it and so I messaged my old friend and told him to which I still haven’t had a reply. I want to work! I want to get somewhere in life, I want to do things. But when it comes down to it I’m too god damn scared.

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I know it’s pathetic and trust me I hate myself because of it but I can’t help it and I just wish it would just go away and I could be able to do things that everyone else does. It’s got me to the point now where I am thinking about taking my own life again because what is the point of me actually being here? I’m not helping my family, if anything all I do is mess things up all the time. I have nothing else in my life other than my family and I personally think they just put up with me because they have to. I hate it, I hate everything about life and I just want to die.

 

Sunshine Blogger Award

So I’ve been nominated for a Sunshine Blogger award. The person that nominated me is a fellow blogger and I’m extremely grateful for her support and the nomination. Check out her blog at alonewolfandmentalwellbeing.wordpress.com.

Here are the rules:

1) Thank the blogger who nominated you.

2) Answer the eleven questions asked.

3) Nominate 11 other bloggers and create a different 11 questions for them to answer.

4) List the rules and include the Sunshine Blogger logo in your post somewhere.

Here are the questions and my answers:

1. What is your favourite music genre and why?

I’d have to say indie/rock/rap. I like artists like Eminem, Scouting for Girls, Linkin Park. I think I like that kind of music just because I grew up listening to it so it’s kind of stuck. Especially Eminem. The man’s a legend.

2. Is life better being single or in a relationship?

Considering all I bash on about is family, I’m going to have to say in a relationship. I love my partner more than anyone could ever imagine.

3. Is sex important to you?

I suppose as a man you would expect me to say… Of course. But if my partner wasn’t able to have sex tommorow it wouldn’t change anything, cos we’d have sex the day after. Only joking. I love her and I’d still love her just as much if we could never have sex again.

4. Name 3 positives from today?

Now this is hard for me. My 4 year old wore knickers all day which is a first time in ages, that’s definitely a positive. We bought some presents for my youngest daughter’s birthday, which is soon and I haven’t cried (yet) lol.

5. If you could meet someone from your past and ask them anything, who would you meet?

My dad and ask him why he’s hardly ever bothered throughout my whole life.

6. Who is your favourite music artist?

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve got to say Eminem. I once had 20 something albums on my pc that were all his, like his underground stuff and other stuff. When I was 16 he was all I listened to, on repeat, over and over again. It’s no wonder I’m so messed up lol.

7. How are you feeling?

Pretty crap. I’ve got a booming headache and I feel sick. I think I’ve eat something dodgy. Emotionally, I’m not too bad, just stressed as usual.

8. Favourite food?

It’s not exactly food, but chocolate. I can’t stop eating chocolate. It’s gonna kill me.

9. When did you last cry?

Yesterday.

10. When did you last laugh?

When I was playing with my daughter earlier.

11. If you could change something about your life, what would it be?

I would… Scrap it all and start again. Except my family. I still want the same family.

Now is the time to nominate 11 other bloggers, so here goes:

Jdawgswords

Sableyes

Undeniably Sara

LittleFears

Opinionated Man

Fallingundone

Iwalkalone4

PositiveVibes

Fibroawarenessproject

Luthienthegreen

Dialogueofathena

And here are the 11 questions. Do be truthful 🙂

1. How old are you?
2. What’s your middle name?
3. Do you think men should cry?
4. Where do you stand on Donald Trump? (and I’m from the UK lol)
5. Favourite film?
6. Favourite book?
7. What would you say to God if you ever saw him?
8. Does nostril hair bother you?
9. Have you ever commited a crime?
10. If yes to above question then give me the gory details?
11. Virginity? When did you lose it? Have you lost it? Are you a 40 year old virgin?

Ok the last one was three in one but I couldn’t help myself 🙂

Keep smiling.

Failed in the Game of Life

The days fly by and I feel like I’m never getting anywhere. I feel like I’m wasting my life but every time I try to do something I fail and so I end up feeling dejected and fed up with the world. When I left school I worked in a garage. I often think if I’d have stayed there and become a proper mechanic my whole life would have been different but I left, I gave up, like I give up at everything I do. I just can’t seem to stop doing it and so I’m getting nowhere in life. 

I personally think this is my main problem. I left school overly ambitious and thought I was going to take over the world. Now, I’m 30 and I’ve done nothing with my life. My twenties have been lost to depression, suicidal tendencies and crazy anxiety. I can’t even get served in a shop without being nervous, it’s pathetic. I hate myself.

Not only all that but if you asked me now “what do you want to do with your life?” I wouldn’t know what to say. I don’t know. I think I’ve just give up deep down and can’t be arsed with it all anymore. I’m stuck in a rut and when I get a direction to go in I ultimately give up or get bored and quit. My life is just one big failure.

I struggle with feelings like this all the time though and so I suppose I’ll plough on through and try my best to carry on. Eventually something has to go right.

A Day in the Life

Once again, I’ve failed to stick to my blog. I just can’t seem to stick to it. I like it, I enjoy sharing the way I feel on it but I just can’t seem to stick with it. However, I’m here again now and I’m going to try and stick with it.

What’s going on with me? Well, not a fat lot. Most days I’m looking after my 2 year old daughter whilst my partner is at work. I also have to go and pick up my other two children, who are 9 and 4, from school. I hate the school run. I don’t drive so I have to walk and we have to walk up a massive hill, it’s horrible. Then, there’s the social aspect of being down the school. I’m expected to talk to other parents and I find it so hard. I’m constantly thinking about what they’re thinking about me whilst trying to have a conversation with them, it’s horrible. 

So, I’m basically a house husband but we’re not even married. I’m literally my partner’s bitch. I hate it. I feel like I should be providing for my family but I haven’t got the social skills to attain a job and even if I managed to somehow get a job I have days where I just give up. I don’t want to do anything and when people try to get me to do stuff, I lose my temper. I hate it. I just want to be normal. I hate myself.

It’s my youngest daughter’s birthday on the 29th of this month and we are struggling with money so she will hardly have any presents and that’s totally all my fault. I hate the fact that I always feel sorry for myself but I just can’t help it. I try so hard every day to be as normal as I can be but every now and again I break down and just absolutely lose the will to live.

I feel like the days are just ticking bycand it’s just like a drawn out, torturous, slow, painful journey to death. I often think why don’t I just end it already? There’s no point of putting everybody through this. I am a burden on everyone and they would be well better off without me.

I hate life.

I’m Up!

Overall I’m not feeling too bad today. I’ve actually managed to get out of bed, have a shave, brush my teeth and even took a trip to the shops which with my anxiety is particularly hard for me. I really don’t want to allow this to take over my life but I fear that it already has. My whole world revolves around it and I just can’t seem to function the same way everybody else does no matter how hard or for how long I try. I wish I could just be normal for a week, even a day, just to experience what it’s like. How it feels to walk to the shop without feeling like everybody is looking at you and criticising everything about you in their heads. Without stuttering and not being able to make eye contact with the person serving me in the shop and not jumping out my skin every time a car honks their horn. I really do hate it and just want to be normal.

Life’s a B***h!

So I haven’t posted on this blog for a long time. In that time I have been struggling. It’s been a rough couple of months and most of the time I couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed.

There’s so many reasons I hate having depression but it’s my kids that upset me the most. I know that I’m a failure in their eyes and that kills me inside. One day they will be proud of me and I will be proud of myself eventually.

I say it’s been a rough few weeks but OMG it’s been a hot few days. England has been so hot for about a week now and it’s killing me. The fact that I sweat loads is not good in the heat. I only have to walk around and the sweat pumps out of me, so then of course I stink as well, NICE!!!

The kids have loved it though. They’ve had a swimming pool in the garden and it was my daughters birthday on 14th and she got a trampoline that’s been fun lol. It was no fun to put it together though. 4 hours start to finish but I didn’t start it until 8pm so I didn’t finish until midnight! On the night before my daughters birthday I barely friggin slept and then her birthday was just sheer madness, but it was all pretty fun. She enjoyed it anyway.

Anxiety Has Ruined My Life!!!

My anxiety has stopped me doing so much in my life.

I hate answering the telephone. It gets me to the point of sweating and getting breathless if I know I’ve got to go on the phone. Then, when I’m on the phone I stutter and mumble. I am really bad at it.

I have had numerous interviews that I was meant to attend but because of how worked up I get beforehand I can’t. I’ve literally been sick because I got that worked up. It’s horrible, I hate it.

It’s that bad that even going to the shop I hate having to speak to other people at the checkout or I hate seeing people that I know because they’ll expect me to have a conversation and I just can’t. I’m not a people person.

And before you say it, yes I’ve tried to force myself to do these things and I’ve ended up in more of a state and even once got rushed to hospital because I had chest pains.

I want to be able to do these things. I don’t want to be crippled by my anxiety. My daughter’s need a dad that isn’t crippled by anxiety. I should be able to go to parents evening without worrying about the conversation I’m going to have to have with the teacher.

When I left secondary school I worked in a garage. The men there were your stereotypical motor mechanic. Very masculine and at that age I was 1) very insecure and 2) very vulnerable. Everyday I worked there I was told I was slow. Everything I done was slow. I spoke slow, the work I done was slow and they just made me feel really clumsy. Then, because I was thinking about what they thought and I was trying not to be clumsy, I ended up doing something extremely clumsy which gave them more ammunition with which to make fun of me with. Now, a lot of people will say “You was a 17 year old lad, most 17 year old lads would’ve told them to get lost!” This is very true and at first I did. But after a while doubts started to creep into my mind. I started believing what they were saying. I was slow. I was clumsy. I AM THICK! Their nickname for me was Frank Spencer. A lot of you probably won’t know who Frank Spencer is but if you Google it you’ll see what I mean. Everyday it was drummed into me and eventually it took it’s toll and I ended up getting really ill through stress. I was covered in a rash that my doctor said was due to stress and I started getting bubbles on my lips that he also said were due to stress. My mum made me leave. The men that worked there were gutted. They said that I was a really good worker and they wanted me to stay but obviously I couldn’t show my face again, my mum just backed my corner lol. Yet still to this very day 12 years later I am typing this thinking about how much it has affected me. I find myself speaking to people and thinking am I speaking too slow? Do they think I’m slow? What are they thinking about me? I hate it! And all this because the men at the garage wanted to have a laugh. I get banter, I really do, but this was more than that. I don’t hold it against them as such but they have definitely affected the way I am today.

Bullying can come in all kinds of forms and even sometimes, like in my situation, the perpetrator probably don’t even realise what they are doing but it has an effect. It ruins lives. I hate myself now and I believe that definitely contributed towards the way I feel about myself. I don’t blame my whole situation on that period of my life but I think it is partially to blame.

I think all I’m trying to get across is that no matter how much of a big deal you think it is, you should never make fun of anyone, EVER! That’s the only way to ensure that everyone can develop into what they were meant to be and how they can lead normal lives.

Struggling to Cope

I don’t want to sound like a broken record but it’s how I feel all the time. It’s getting to the point now where I can’t be happy. I struggle to smile. I just want to sleep and feel fatigued all the time but I can’t because I’ve got responsibilities i.e my kids but I just can’t help it. I wish I could. My life has been a shambles for since I can remember and I can’t take it anymore. I feel useless, helpless and like I’m dying inside. Why can’t it just GO AWAY!

Without my kids I would be nothing. They mean the world to me and I could never be without them but I feel like I’m wrecking their lives aswell. I’m not that exciting dad that every child wants. I’m boring. I haven’t got a good job they can be proud of in fact I can’t even get over my anxiety long enough to go to an interview. It’s literally crippling me. Stopping me from leading a normal life. I hate it. I hate myself.

I want to be a better dad, I want to lead a NORMAL life.