My Life is Hard

Mental illness comes in lots of forms and varieties.

Many of them are extremely hard to cope with and seriously misunderstood.

I have depression and an anxiety disorder.

It’s not as hard to deal with my symptoms as it probably is for a schizophrenic to deal with theirs.

But I suffer nonetheless.

I hate waking up in the morning. I can’t wait to go to sleep on the night.

We all have different coping mechanisms and mine are pretty crap.

I can’t cope with anything.

I cry over the most stupid things. I lose my temper over silly little things.

My life is hard, not because I have loads to deal with or I’m really unfortunate, but because I struggle to cope.

I struggle to cope with the most simplest things.

That’s why my life is hard!

Come and Conspire With Me

Ohhhhh I’ve been reading some dodgy things and watching some dodgy videos today. People talking about the 216 and the 3,6 and 9.

It’s basically conspiracy theories about the earthquake that occurred yesterday in Mexico. I don’t know much about what happened because I haven’t actually researched any of it so some of my figures and stuff might be a bit wrong but it was mostly about the link between the numbers and statistics. Such as: there were 216 people injured during the quake and it was on 2/16 and some other stuff that I can’t quite recall. The 3,6 and 9 was in regards to some bloke called Tesla that claimed to have the power to create such earthquakes and spoke systematically about the numbers 3,6 and 9.

I didn’t actually want to talk about those conspiracy theories but more just conspiracy theories in general as they really do amaze me. I struggle with the notion that some of the conspiracy theories are actually true. I mean some of them are just stupid and seriously messed up, like the most powerful people in the world actually being great big green lizard people. That’s just crazy talk and I ain’t talking about things like that. But when it comes to things like 9/11 and how the government caused that to happen on purpose so they could start a war in the middle east for oil. I can accept that as, well maybe. Another thing that makes me think as well, and again I’m going totally off my own memory here so not all statements may actually be correct, is cancer and how governents and mainly the top pharmaceutical companies actually don’t want a cure for cancer to be found because this would destroy the money making machine they already have in place for treating cancer with their expensive drugs. I mean, I’ve read somewhere, I can’t even say where because again I can’t remember, but I’ve read that some of the best cancer researchers in the world actually go under the radar because governments buy them out or destroy what they’ve discovered and although this sounds like a scene in a movie, that doesn’t mean it might not be true. There were people that had used only natural medicine for cancer and had 5 year survival rates between 90-100%. There was one man that had a 100% survival rate called Dr Rife or something like that. I could totally jump on this bandwagon and run with it because I kind of believe everything we think is real is manipulated by the powerful people and we as the little people basically do as we’re told by the “big people”.

Anyway, weird rambling over. I really do not think that I’m paranoid schizophrenic. At least, I hope not. What do you think about conspiracy theories and is there one that really stands out and you think is almost definitely true? Come on, theorize with me!

My Dad

So, once again I haven’t wrote in a long time but I feel as though I need to put my thoughts into words and thought where best to do this than on here.

Two days ago my 51 year old dad died. We were never close. I longed for a relationship with a “real” dad and he, for one reason or another, never quite “fit the bill”. Nevertheless, I was there when he died in hospital and it knocked me for six. I never thought I would care that much. Growing up, if somebody asked me about my dad I would say “I wish he’d die!” or “I hate my dad”. There was a lot that had happened over the years to make me feel this way (that I don’t feel I should go into out of respect) but now all I feel is guilt. I should have been there. He was a very heavy drinker and this had obliterated his liver to the point where it was failing. Over the years, all I have said to him is “Either stop drinking or I don’t want to see you” when I should have tried to help him. In the end, it was a combination of his liver failing, his kidneys failing and he had a chest infection that his body just couldn’t cope with. He also had an eating disorder that he’d had since he was young and so lay in his hospital bed, gasping for breath, he looked more like 90 than his mere 51 years of age. It was horrible and I hate myself for letting him get to that point. I had my own problems, but I should’ve been there. I feel so guilty.

Only after his passing have I now come to realise that although he was probably not the best dad in the world and he definitely wasn’t the best husband in the world, I loved him. I didn’t see him for years, throughout my whole life, but it’s only now I realise, I loved him.

I’m so sorry dad and I miss you already.

R.I.P.

Depression and the Elderly at Christmas

Christmas time. Families across the globe wake up to overly-excited children desperate to tear open their presents and dad’s who are just as desperate to tuck into Christmas dinner. The point is it’s a time to spend with family and whilst opening presents and Christmas dinner are just two amazing things about this holiday, some people won’t be having as much fun.

Elderly people get overlooked a lot and it infuriates me. I hate the idea that there are people, who are not only vulnerable because of their age, but equally discarded by society because they are “too old”. These people should be celebrated more. They are the reason we are here. A lot of them are the reason we are free.

Being alone at Christmas doesn’t bear thinking about but unfortunately for some of these people it is their life now. They are alone at Christmas whilst you are opening presents. They are alone whilst you are tucking into your Christmas dinner. They are alone when you are settling down with your family on the night time.

These people need us to share this amazing holiday with them. If you know an elderly person, be it a grandparent, a great grandparent or just one of your neighbours, ask them to Christmas dinner. Be nice this Christmas, they deserve this. They deserve to be looked after, even if you don’t know them.

I’m saying all this because being alone at Christmas can cause depression. Of course it can. It can also cause other problems like depression old friend, anxiety. The elderly won’t come and ask you if they can come to Christmas dinner so buy an extra dinner plate, a bigger turkey, a few more sprouts and make this Christmas, a special one for them.

Depression

I have depression. You can’t see it. It doesn’t affect my speech. It doesn’t make me deformed in anyway. Unfortunately, if you looked at me you probably would have no idea I have depression. This is what is the most annoying thing about depression.

If the people who roll their eyes when I say I haven’t got the energy to do anything actually felt the way I feel, surely they would understand. I don’t know. But, I literally can not be bothered to get up and have a shower, brush my teeth, change my clothes. These are all things that come second nature to most people and most people don’t need “energy” to do those things. And, I put energy in brackets for a reason. I understand that it sounds like I’m lazy. I know that. I don’t want to be lazy. I don’t want people to roll their fucking eyes because I can’t be arsed to brush my teeth. Hell, I don’t want mangled teeth but because most of my life I haven’t had the “energy” I have them.

I’ve been like this as long as I can remember. Surely, if I was just lazy or was playing on it or something, I would have stopped by now. I wish it could stop. I wish people would just understand that there is not one thing in this world that I want more than to not be ME!

My life revolves around this god forsaken illness and I’m done with it. I’m fed up of it. People hate me because of it. I can feel it. My partner, tries to understand, but she gets frustrated because she doesn’t really understand. And, I can’t make her understand. I hate it. I wish everybody in the whole world could just have depression for one day. Just one day. Then, they would realize. I’m not lazy, it’s not because I choose to feel like this. I don’t choose to feel like I want to kill myself on a daily basis. I don’t choose to cut myself to make myself deal with things better and release some tension. I don’t choose to eat and eat and eat until I feel sick because I feel bad about myself. I don’t choose to snap at the people closest to me because they don’t understand.

NONE OF THIS IS A CHOICE

TRUST ME

IF IT WAS, IT WOULD HAVE ENDED A LONG TIME AGO!!!!!

Social Anxiety = Me

Guess who’s back? Back again? Lol but anyway I’m writing this today because I’m feeling really disheartened and quite low. I received a message last night saying one of my old friends had managed to get me a job interview. Now, my first instinct was to jump at the opportunity because well, I need a job. So I said yes. This was at half twelve on the night and by 3am I still wasn’t asleep because I was thinking about it so much. My brain was racing and I was getting scared. My old friend said that he knew I wouldn’t let him down and that just made it ten times worse. See I have really bad social anxiety where I really struggle to even speak to people I know let alone somebody who’s judging me in an interview. I hate myself but after contemplating it until 3am and then again this morning I decided I just couldn’t do it and so I messaged my old friend and told him to which I still haven’t had a reply. I want to work! I want to get somewhere in life, I want to do things. But when it comes down to it I’m too god damn scared.

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I know it’s pathetic and trust me I hate myself because of it but I can’t help it and I just wish it would just go away and I could be able to do things that everyone else does. It’s got me to the point now where I am thinking about taking my own life again because what is the point of me actually being here? I’m not helping my family, if anything all I do is mess things up all the time. I have nothing else in my life other than my family and I personally think they just put up with me because they have to. I hate it, I hate everything about life and I just want to die.

 

Love For Texas

I don’t live in USA. In fact I’ve never even been to America. But that doesn’t mean I can’t care deeply about what has happened in Texas. There will be gun control debates, mental health debates and all other kind of debates but the real tragedy is there are 26 people dead, a lot of people injured and no doubt seriously affected by this and then there are the families of the people who have lost their lives. To everybody involved in one way or another I want to say don’t let this defeat you, don’t let it define you, don’t be angry, it will only ruin your life. I feel for you and I send my love to all of you.

In my country we obviously have quite strict gun control laws. I believe that this is the reason we don’t really have mass shootings. A lot of the gun crime in our country is gang related. Gun control doesn’t necessarily stop there being gun crime but it does limit who has easy access to them. I think if USA had stricter gun control laws then this more than likely would never have happened. The idea that it is a “mental health” problem as President Trump put it is on the one hand quite true because you would think in order to commit such an act you would have to have some kind of mental problem. But as I said earlier, the UK don’t really have mass shootings and yet we probably have a worse mental health problem than America (I don’t know the exact numbers). It’s a horrible thing to talk about straight after something like this occurs but I think it’s also the best time to talk about it. USA need stricter gun laws, it’s as simple as that. If the person who done this didn’t have easy access to guns this would never have happened. It really is that simple and anybody who says different is potentially aiding further mass shootings.

I will never understand the people who say USA shouldn’t have stricter gun laws but at the minute they’re not important. What’s important is that the people who were involved are correctly cared for and looked after. I feel for them, it’s just horrible.

I don’t really want to talk about how I’m feeling on a personal level because it doesn’t really feel right after speaking so much about Texas because I don’t feel like it’s relevant. I feel like it’s insensitive and so I will post tomorrow about how I am and what’s going on with me. Texas, you are in my thoughts.

Rip to all the victims.

One of Them Days!

I’m having one of them days again! I hate it, I can go from being fine and laughing and joking around to bang… I feel like crap again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I’m so fed up with it.

My mrs has took the kids out away from me so they don’t get affected by it. I hate it. That shouldn’t be happening. My kids shouldn’t have to go out because I feel like crap. It’s not fair on them.

I’m meant to have an interview on Tuesday at Cineworld but I’m so scared I’m gonna mess something up I don’t want to go. I know I’m going to feel like a div and I’ll feel like everybody’s looking at me like I’m stupid. I wish people could understand how I feel. I try to explain this to the people close to me and they just tell me to try and forget about it and I’ll be fine. But I know I WON’T!!!

Anyway, just thought I’d have a bit of a moan because I thought it’d make me feel better but it hasn’t. I’ll just keep trying to plod on.

Sunshine Blogger Award

So I’ve been nominated for a Sunshine Blogger award. The person that nominated me is a fellow blogger and I’m extremely grateful for her support and the nomination. Check out her blog at alonewolfandmentalwellbeing.wordpress.com.

Here are the rules:

1) Thank the blogger who nominated you.

2) Answer the eleven questions asked.

3) Nominate 11 other bloggers and create a different 11 questions for them to answer.

4) List the rules and include the Sunshine Blogger logo in your post somewhere.

Here are the questions and my answers:

1. What is your favourite music genre and why?

I’d have to say indie/rock/rap. I like artists like Eminem, Scouting for Girls, Linkin Park. I think I like that kind of music just because I grew up listening to it so it’s kind of stuck. Especially Eminem. The man’s a legend.

2. Is life better being single or in a relationship?

Considering all I bash on about is family, I’m going to have to say in a relationship. I love my partner more than anyone could ever imagine.

3. Is sex important to you?

I suppose as a man you would expect me to say… Of course. But if my partner wasn’t able to have sex tommorow it wouldn’t change anything, cos we’d have sex the day after. Only joking. I love her and I’d still love her just as much if we could never have sex again.

4. Name 3 positives from today?

Now this is hard for me. My 4 year old wore knickers all day which is a first time in ages, that’s definitely a positive. We bought some presents for my youngest daughter’s birthday, which is soon and I haven’t cried (yet) lol.

5. If you could meet someone from your past and ask them anything, who would you meet?

My dad and ask him why he’s hardly ever bothered throughout my whole life.

6. Who is your favourite music artist?

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve got to say Eminem. I once had 20 something albums on my pc that were all his, like his underground stuff and other stuff. When I was 16 he was all I listened to, on repeat, over and over again. It’s no wonder I’m so messed up lol.

7. How are you feeling?

Pretty crap. I’ve got a booming headache and I feel sick. I think I’ve eat something dodgy. Emotionally, I’m not too bad, just stressed as usual.

8. Favourite food?

It’s not exactly food, but chocolate. I can’t stop eating chocolate. It’s gonna kill me.

9. When did you last cry?

Yesterday.

10. When did you last laugh?

When I was playing with my daughter earlier.

11. If you could change something about your life, what would it be?

I would… Scrap it all and start again. Except my family. I still want the same family.

Now is the time to nominate 11 other bloggers, so here goes:

Jdawgswords

Sableyes

Undeniably Sara

LittleFears

Opinionated Man

Fallingundone

Iwalkalone4

PositiveVibes

Fibroawarenessproject

Luthienthegreen

Dialogueofathena

And here are the 11 questions. Do be truthful 🙂

1. How old are you?
2. What’s your middle name?
3. Do you think men should cry?
4. Where do you stand on Donald Trump? (and I’m from the UK lol)
5. Favourite film?
6. Favourite book?
7. What would you say to God if you ever saw him?
8. Does nostril hair bother you?
9. Have you ever commited a crime?
10. If yes to above question then give me the gory details?
11. Virginity? When did you lose it? Have you lost it? Are you a 40 year old virgin?

Ok the last one was three in one but I couldn’t help myself 🙂

Keep smiling.

Failed in the Game of Life

The days fly by and I feel like I’m never getting anywhere. I feel like I’m wasting my life but every time I try to do something I fail and so I end up feeling dejected and fed up with the world. When I left school I worked in a garage. I often think if I’d have stayed there and become a proper mechanic my whole life would have been different but I left, I gave up, like I give up at everything I do. I just can’t seem to stop doing it and so I’m getting nowhere in life. 

I personally think this is my main problem. I left school overly ambitious and thought I was going to take over the world. Now, I’m 30 and I’ve done nothing with my life. My twenties have been lost to depression, suicidal tendencies and crazy anxiety. I can’t even get served in a shop without being nervous, it’s pathetic. I hate myself.

Not only all that but if you asked me now “what do you want to do with your life?” I wouldn’t know what to say. I don’t know. I think I’ve just give up deep down and can’t be arsed with it all anymore. I’m stuck in a rut and when I get a direction to go in I ultimately give up or get bored and quit. My life is just one big failure.

I struggle with feelings like this all the time though and so I suppose I’ll plough on through and try my best to carry on. Eventually something has to go right.