A Day in the Life

Once again, I’ve failed to stick to my blog. I just can’t seem to stick to it. I like it, I enjoy sharing the way I feel on it but I just can’t seem to stick with it. However, I’m here again now and I’m going to try and stick with it.

What’s going on with me? Well, not a fat lot. Most days I’m looking after my 2 year old daughter whilst my partner is at work. I also have to go and pick up my other two children, who are 9 and 4, from school. I hate the school run. I don’t drive so I have to walk and we have to walk up a massive hill, it’s horrible. Then, there’s the social aspect of being down the school. I’m expected to talk to other parents and I find it so hard. I’m constantly thinking about what they’re thinking about me whilst trying to have a conversation with them, it’s horrible. 

So, I’m basically a house husband but we’re not even married. I’m literally my partner’s bitch. I hate it. I feel like I should be providing for my family but I haven’t got the social skills to attain a job and even if I managed to somehow get a job I have days where I just give up. I don’t want to do anything and when people try to get me to do stuff, I lose my temper. I hate it. I just want to be normal. I hate myself.

It’s my youngest daughter’s birthday on the 29th of this month and we are struggling with money so she will hardly have any presents and that’s totally all my fault. I hate the fact that I always feel sorry for myself but I just can’t help it. I try so hard every day to be as normal as I can be but every now and again I break down and just absolutely lose the will to live.

I feel like the days are just ticking bycand it’s just like a drawn out, torturous, slow, painful journey to death. I often think why don’t I just end it already? There’s no point of putting everybody through this. I am a burden on everyone and they would be well better off without me.

I hate life.

I’m Up!

Overall I’m not feeling too bad today. I’ve actually managed to get out of bed, have a shave, brush my teeth and even took a trip to the shops which with my anxiety is particularly hard for me. I really don’t want to allow this to take over my life but I fear that it already has. My whole world revolves around it and I just can’t seem to function the same way everybody else does no matter how hard or for how long I try. I wish I could just be normal for a week, even a day, just to experience what it’s like. How it feels to walk to the shop without feeling like everybody is looking at you and criticising everything about you in their heads. Without stuttering and not being able to make eye contact with the person serving me in the shop and not jumping out my skin every time a car honks their horn. I really do hate it and just want to be normal.

Any Ideas???

God I feel like crap today. I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever. I haven’t moved from my bed all day and I haven’t even brushed my teeth. I just can’t be arsed. I’m so low and just done with life. I wanna die. It’s just that plain and simple. I can’t carry on like this. My whole life is just messed up and I din’t know how to fix it. Plus, I haven’t got the energy to fix it. I know I’m not the first person to suffer from depression but I feel so alone. I have people around me but I don’t feel like they understand. Nobody will, until I’m dead and then everybody will be like shit we really should’ve done something. I’m done, I’m out of ideas on how to make it any better. If anybody actually reads this, please feel free to give me some advice because I’m desperate and I need something to cling on to to stop me doing what seems to be more and more inevitable every day.

Why Do I Want To Die?

I’m back and yes life’s still crap. Everyday feels the same and I’m just fed up with being me. Everything I ever try to do I fail miserably at and most of the time all I can think about is killing myself. Why is it that life is so hard? I hate it! I have turned 30 since the last time I was on here and I feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like I’m going to be dead soon and I’m going to die with my life a sham. It’s actually really pathetic how pathetic I actually am. All I ever do is winge and moan about how crap life is. I just feel like something’s missing. Like something’s not right but eventually it might turn out alright, well either that or I’ll get put out of my misery and die. I can only hope. People probably hate me for saying stuff like this. They’re probably like “just be grateful for what you’ve got and that you are alive!” because they’ve probably got someone who’s died that’s close to them or is dying and I understand that but I can’t help how I feel and the thing is I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I didn’t feel like that, but I do and I still have to wake up every damn morning and want to die. It’s just how I feel, I can’t help it.

It’s Always Sunny in Birmingham

I wake up, it’s raining, as always in sunny Brum and there’s been shots fired again somewhere close to where I live. In Paris ANOTHER car has struck a load of soldiers in ANOTHER terror attack and North Korea are antagonizing probably the scariest person in the world right now due to him having so much power, Donald Trump. They’re going to start WW3, whilst terrorists want everyone to be Muslim and there’s a gang war in my own city. I don’t know who or what to be scared of more. It’s ridiculous, it’s no wonder I’ve got depression waking up to this every day. The world’s gone crazy. Peace and love baby, peace and love. Bunch of morons need to get on with their lives and stop causing havoc just to try and prove a point. Here’s an idea, back down and move on. You’ll feel better about yourselves and life won’t be as stressful, heck I do it everyday with my Mrs. I know it’s not really the same thing (lol) but guys, chill the fuck out, the world’s gonna end next month so I read on Facebook. The end is nigh! Fuck all y’all I’m getting underground quick!

Contemplating Suicide

Yeah, I’m feeling down and fed up again. I can’t seem to string together a period of time where i feel just “normal” at the minute. I’m either really down and depressed or bouncing off the walls and ready to take on the world. My whole life is focused around this illness and no matter how hard I try there’s just no getting away from it. This is why I think it’d be easier if I was dead. Not just for me but everybody who has to deal with me on a daily basis. It is cliché to say “I’m a burden” but they would all be better off without me. There would be the initial stages of grief but after that they’d be able to get on with their lives and I’d soon be forgotten. I really think it’d be best for everyone. I hate life so it’d be a lot easier for me. My kids deserve a better dad than me.

Depressive Stereotype

Today I want to talk about stereotypes and how they affect people. Obviously, with depression there comes a certain stereotype. The lying in bed, crying all day WOMAN (because for some reason its more a female disorder) that locks herself away and is a loner. A lot of this is true and happens to me. I want to sit in a room on my own all day and just let the world pass by but I know I can’t and so I struggle like crazy to be like the stereotypical “normal” person. Whilst I’m trying to be this “normal” person though, people don’t understand how much of a struggle that is. To try and do everything a “normal” person does when you feel the way I do is just horrible. Then, people think you’re better now and it’s gone! It never goes!!! I cannot stress that enough. I haven’t had a day where I feel “normal” for years, as long as I can remember. I don’t really know what my point is, I think I’m just ranting, but I don’t think you should ever think the stereotype of ANY illness is the actual way it happens. Keep an open mind and if there’s someone in your life who has depression, don’t think it’s going to be the same as my experience or anybody else’s, just listen to them, support them, let them know you are there and keep an eye on them. Depression is a killer and I hate that there are so many victims to it. Keep safe.

Another Day, Another Me!

So today I’m not feeling as bad as I was yesterday, but I’m still not feeling great. The good news is though that I haven’t succumbed to the nagging voice in my head telling me that I’d be better off dead and so would everyone else. Today though I kind of feel distant, like I’m not in my own body and my body is just going through the motions. I have these moments where I feel like “I” shut down and my body just takes over and when this happens I tend to do horrible things. Now you’re probably thinking  ah shutup that’s just an excuse but I actually wish it was just an excuse because then I’d have some kind of control but the way it is I feel like I have no control. Like there’s this monster inside me who switches me off whenever he wants to and uses my body to do as he pleases. Up until now it’s never been anything really drastic but you never know and that kind of scares me. Everyone around me doesn’t believe that I have depression and they think I have something else like bipolar or schizophrenia but I don’t know. I just get fed up trying to deal with it all everyday and I don’t think it’ll be over till I do die.

I’m Ready!

I don’t know what I feel anymore. I’m fed up, i know that much. I can’t seem to be able to motivate myself and it just hurts to think about things. I want to just curl up and die. I hate life so much it’s unbelievable. People won’t like hearing that and I’ll probably get told to be grateful for what I’ve got and things could be worse and that is very true but I can’t control these feelings. If I could don’t you think I would have ten years ago and not put myself through years of torture, harming myself, attempting suicide on numerous occasions, all whilst ruining prospects for myself because of my medical history. I tried to get into the army at one point and they said NO because of your medical history, police = same. It’s a joke. I need to kill myself so I stop ruining everybody else’s lives. It’s very cliché to say that I’m a burden on everyone but it’s god damn true! I hate myself, I hate everything about me and I am ready to die!

 

I Just Want to Die!

Everything is too hard. I wake up in the morning and can’t be arsed to have a shower or brush my teeth. I just wanna sit and feel sorry for myself on my own. I just have no motivation to get up and do something. I hate it, I hate life! I just want to die. That thought just keeps running through my head and I’m scared that one day I’ll take action and actually do it. But I can’t, its not fair on my kids or my girlfriend or my parents or my siblings or anybody except me! It doesn’t matter that it’d be easier for me all that matters is that I don’t upset everybody else in the process. They all tell me not to be so selfish when they’re being selfish towards me. I hate life and I’m done with everything. I just want to die!