My Dad

So, once again I haven’t wrote in a long time but I feel as though I need to put my thoughts into words and thought where best to do this than on here.

Two days ago my 51 year old dad died. We were never close. I longed for a relationship with a “real” dad and he, for one reason or another, never quite “fit the bill”. Nevertheless, I was there when he died in hospital and it knocked me for six. I never thought I would care that much. Growing up, if somebody asked me about my dad I would say “I wish he’d die!” or “I hate my dad”. There was a lot that had happened over the years to make me feel this way (that I don’t feel I should go into out of respect) but now all I feel is guilt. I should have been there. He was a very heavy drinker and this had obliterated his liver to the point where it was failing. Over the years, all I have said to him is “Either stop drinking or I don’t want to see you” when I should have tried to help him. In the end, it was a combination of his liver failing, his kidneys failing and he had a chest infection that his body just couldn’t cope with. He also had an eating disorder that he’d had since he was young and so lay in his hospital bed, gasping for breath, he looked more like 90 than his mere 51 years of age. It was horrible and I hate myself for letting him get to that point. I had my own problems, but I should’ve been there. I feel so guilty.

Only after his passing have I now come to realise that although he was probably not the best dad in the world and he definitely wasn’t the best husband in the world, I loved him. I didn’t see him for years, throughout my whole life, but it’s only now I realise, I loved him.

I’m so sorry dad and I miss you already.

R.I.P.

Depression and the Elderly at Christmas

Christmas time. Families across the globe wake up to overly-excited children desperate to tear open their presents and dad’s who are just as desperate to tuck into Christmas dinner. The point is it’s a time to spend with family and whilst opening presents and Christmas dinner are just two amazing things about this holiday, some people won’t be having as much fun.

Elderly people get overlooked a lot and it infuriates me. I hate the idea that there are people, who are not only vulnerable because of their age, but equally discarded by society because they are “too old”. These people should be celebrated more. They are the reason we are here. A lot of them are the reason we are free.

Being alone at Christmas doesn’t bear thinking about but unfortunately for some of these people it is their life now. They are alone at Christmas whilst you are opening presents. They are alone whilst you are tucking into your Christmas dinner. They are alone when you are settling down with your family on the night time.

These people need us to share this amazing holiday with them. If you know an elderly person, be it a grandparent, a great grandparent or just one of your neighbours, ask them to Christmas dinner. Be nice this Christmas, they deserve this. They deserve to be looked after, even if you don’t know them.

I’m saying all this because being alone at Christmas can cause depression. Of course it can. It can also cause other problems like depression old friend, anxiety. The elderly won’t come and ask you if they can come to Christmas dinner so buy an extra dinner plate, a bigger turkey, a few more sprouts and make this Christmas, a special one for them.

Sunshine Blogger Award

So I’ve been nominated for a Sunshine Blogger award. The person that nominated me is a fellow blogger and I’m extremely grateful for her support and the nomination. Check out her blog at alonewolfandmentalwellbeing.wordpress.com.

Here are the rules:

1) Thank the blogger who nominated you.

2) Answer the eleven questions asked.

3) Nominate 11 other bloggers and create a different 11 questions for them to answer.

4) List the rules and include the Sunshine Blogger logo in your post somewhere.

Here are the questions and my answers:

1. What is your favourite music genre and why?

I’d have to say indie/rock/rap. I like artists like Eminem, Scouting for Girls, Linkin Park. I think I like that kind of music just because I grew up listening to it so it’s kind of stuck. Especially Eminem. The man’s a legend.

2. Is life better being single or in a relationship?

Considering all I bash on about is family, I’m going to have to say in a relationship. I love my partner more than anyone could ever imagine.

3. Is sex important to you?

I suppose as a man you would expect me to say… Of course. But if my partner wasn’t able to have sex tommorow it wouldn’t change anything, cos we’d have sex the day after. Only joking. I love her and I’d still love her just as much if we could never have sex again.

4. Name 3 positives from today?

Now this is hard for me. My 4 year old wore knickers all day which is a first time in ages, that’s definitely a positive. We bought some presents for my youngest daughter’s birthday, which is soon and I haven’t cried (yet) lol.

5. If you could meet someone from your past and ask them anything, who would you meet?

My dad and ask him why he’s hardly ever bothered throughout my whole life.

6. Who is your favourite music artist?

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve got to say Eminem. I once had 20 something albums on my pc that were all his, like his underground stuff and other stuff. When I was 16 he was all I listened to, on repeat, over and over again. It’s no wonder I’m so messed up lol.

7. How are you feeling?

Pretty crap. I’ve got a booming headache and I feel sick. I think I’ve eat something dodgy. Emotionally, I’m not too bad, just stressed as usual.

8. Favourite food?

It’s not exactly food, but chocolate. I can’t stop eating chocolate. It’s gonna kill me.

9. When did you last cry?

Yesterday.

10. When did you last laugh?

When I was playing with my daughter earlier.

11. If you could change something about your life, what would it be?

I would… Scrap it all and start again. Except my family. I still want the same family.

Now is the time to nominate 11 other bloggers, so here goes:

Jdawgswords

Sableyes

Undeniably Sara

LittleFears

Opinionated Man

Fallingundone

Iwalkalone4

PositiveVibes

Fibroawarenessproject

Luthienthegreen

Dialogueofathena

And here are the 11 questions. Do be truthful 🙂

1. How old are you?
2. What’s your middle name?
3. Do you think men should cry?
4. Where do you stand on Donald Trump? (and I’m from the UK lol)
5. Favourite film?
6. Favourite book?
7. What would you say to God if you ever saw him?
8. Does nostril hair bother you?
9. Have you ever commited a crime?
10. If yes to above question then give me the gory details?
11. Virginity? When did you lose it? Have you lost it? Are you a 40 year old virgin?

Ok the last one was three in one but I couldn’t help myself 🙂

Keep smiling.

Family is Everything

My children are amazing. I love them with all my heart and without them I wouldn’t still be here. Whenever I feel like crap and I feel like I want to kill myself (which is very often) I think of my family and somehow manage to get through those dark times. My point is, I don’t know how other people cope. I mean people without families. People who have nothing. I feel so bad for these people. I don’t know how I’d manage without my family.

I often hear people say “you are not alone” and for a lot of people this is true. But for some, they are all alone and although there are other people who struggle with depression, knowing about that doesn’t make your pain go away. These words are often to make you feel like there are people worse off than you and whilst that is true, everybody has different coping mechanisms and deal with things very differently. I personally think that telling somebody there’s always someone worse off is just ignoring their problem and making them feel guilty for having the feelings they do. Some people are always worse off than you but you don’t need to be made to feel guilty about it.

Family is a huge thing when trying to deal with depression though and having a supportive family member who’s there for you can make all the difference. Reach out and someone will help. Someone will be your saviour. Until that day, keep smiling.