Social Anxiety = Me

Guess who’s back? Back again? Lol but anyway I’m writing this today because I’m feeling really disheartened and quite low. I received a message last night saying one of my old friends had managed to get me a job interview. Now, my first instinct was to jump at the opportunity because well, I need a job. So I said yes. This was at half twelve on the night and by 3am I still wasn’t asleep because I was thinking about it so much. My brain was racing and I was getting scared. My old friend said that he knew I wouldn’t let him down and that just made it ten times worse. See I have really bad social anxiety where I really struggle to even speak to people I know let alone somebody who’s judging me in an interview. I hate myself but after contemplating it until 3am and then again this morning I decided I just couldn’t do it and so I messaged my old friend and told him to which I still haven’t had a reply. I want to work! I want to get somewhere in life, I want to do things. But when it comes down to it I’m too god damn scared.

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I know it’s pathetic and trust me I hate myself because of it but I can’t help it and I just wish it would just go away and I could be able to do things that everyone else does. It’s got me to the point now where I am thinking about taking my own life again because what is the point of me actually being here? I’m not helping my family, if anything all I do is mess things up all the time. I have nothing else in my life other than my family and I personally think they just put up with me because they have to. I hate it, I hate everything about life and I just want to die.