I wake up, it’s raining, as always in sunny Brum and there’s been shots fired again somewhere close to where I live. In Paris ANOTHER car has struck a load of soldiers in ANOTHER terror attack and North Korea are antagonizing probably the scariest person in the world right now due to him having so much power, Donald Trump. They’re going to start WW3, whilst terrorists want everyone to be Muslim and there’s a gang war in my own city. I don’t know who or what to be scared of more. It’s ridiculous, it’s no wonder I’ve got depression waking up to this every day. The world’s gone crazy. Peace and love baby, peace and love. Bunch of morons need to get on with their lives and stop causing havoc just to try and prove a point. Here’s an idea, back down and move on. You’ll feel better about yourselves and life won’t be as stressful, heck I do it everyday with my Mrs. I know it’s not really the same thing (lol) but guys, chill the fuck out, the world’s gonna end next month so I read on Facebook. The end is nigh! Fuck all y’all I’m getting underground quick!
Month: August 2017
Contemplating Suicide
Yeah, I’m feeling down and fed up again. I can’t seem to string together a period of time where i feel just “normal” at the minute. I’m either really down and depressed or bouncing off the walls and ready to take on the world. My whole life is focused around this illness and no matter how hard I try there’s just no getting away from it. This is why I think it’d be easier if I was dead. Not just for me but everybody who has to deal with me on a daily basis. It is cliché to say “I’m a burden” but they would all be better off without me. There would be the initial stages of grief but after that they’d be able to get on with their lives and I’d soon be forgotten. I really think it’d be best for everyone. I hate life so it’d be a lot easier for me. My kids deserve a better dad than me.
Depressive Stereotype
Today I want to talk about stereotypes and how they affect people. Obviously, with depression there comes a certain stereotype. The lying in bed, crying all day WOMAN (because for some reason its more a female disorder) that locks herself away and is a loner. A lot of this is true and happens to me. I want to sit in a room on my own all day and just let the world pass by but I know I can’t and so I struggle like crazy to be like the stereotypical “normal” person. Whilst I’m trying to be this “normal” person though, people don’t understand how much of a struggle that is. To try and do everything a “normal” person does when you feel the way I do is just horrible. Then, people think you’re better now and it’s gone! It never goes!!! I cannot stress that enough. I haven’t had a day where I feel “normal” for years, as long as I can remember. I don’t really know what my point is, I think I’m just ranting, but I don’t think you should ever think the stereotype of ANY illness is the actual way it happens. Keep an open mind and if there’s someone in your life who has depression, don’t think it’s going to be the same as my experience or anybody else’s, just listen to them, support them, let them know you are there and keep an eye on them. Depression is a killer and I hate that there are so many victims to it. Keep safe.
Another Day, Another Me!
So today I’m not feeling as bad as I was yesterday, but I’m still not feeling great. The good news is though that I haven’t succumbed to the nagging voice in my head telling me that I’d be better off dead and so would everyone else. Today though I kind of feel distant, like I’m not in my own body and my body is just going through the motions. I have these moments where I feel like “I” shut down and my body just takes over and when this happens I tend to do horrible things. Now you’re probably thinking ah shutup that’s just an excuse but I actually wish it was just an excuse because then I’d have some kind of control but the way it is I feel like I have no control. Like there’s this monster inside me who switches me off whenever he wants to and uses my body to do as he pleases. Up until now it’s never been anything really drastic but you never know and that kind of scares me. Everyone around me doesn’t believe that I have depression and they think I have something else like bipolar or schizophrenia but I don’t know. I just get fed up trying to deal with it all everyday and I don’t think it’ll be over till I do die.
I’m Ready!
I don’t know what I feel anymore. I’m fed up, i know that much. I can’t seem to be able to motivate myself and it just hurts to think about things. I want to just curl up and die. I hate life so much it’s unbelievable. People won’t like hearing that and I’ll probably get told to be grateful for what I’ve got and things could be worse and that is very true but I can’t control these feelings. If I could don’t you think I would have ten years ago and not put myself through years of torture, harming myself, attempting suicide on numerous occasions, all whilst ruining prospects for myself because of my medical history. I tried to get into the army at one point and they said NO because of your medical history, police = same. It’s a joke. I need to kill myself so I stop ruining everybody else’s lives. It’s very cliché to say that I’m a burden on everyone but it’s god damn true! I hate myself, I hate everything about me and I am ready to die!
I Just Want to Die!
Everything is too hard. I wake up in the morning and can’t be arsed to have a shower or brush my teeth. I just wanna sit and feel sorry for myself on my own. I just have no motivation to get up and do something. I hate it, I hate life! I just want to die. That thought just keeps running through my head and I’m scared that one day I’ll take action and actually do it. But I can’t, its not fair on my kids or my girlfriend or my parents or my siblings or anybody except me! It doesn’t matter that it’d be easier for me all that matters is that I don’t upset everybody else in the process. They all tell me not to be so selfish when they’re being selfish towards me. I hate life and I’m done with everything. I just want to die!
Dad with Depression 