Depression

I have depression. You can’t see it. It doesn’t affect my speech. It doesn’t make me deformed in anyway. Unfortunately, if you looked at me you probably would have no idea I have depression. This is what is the most annoying thing about depression.

If the people who roll their eyes when I say I haven’t got the energy to do anything actually felt the way I feel, surely they would understand. I don’t know. But, I literally can not be bothered to get up and have a shower, brush my teeth, change my clothes. These are all things that come second nature to most people and most people don’t need “energy” to do those things. And, I put energy in brackets for a reason. I understand that it sounds like I’m lazy. I know that. I don’t want to be lazy. I don’t want people to roll their fucking eyes because I can’t be arsed to brush my teeth. Hell, I don’t want mangled teeth but because most of my life I haven’t had the “energy” I have them.

I’ve been like this as long as I can remember. Surely, if I was just lazy or was playing on it or something, I would have stopped by now. I wish it could stop. I wish people would just understand that there is not one thing in this world that I want more than to not be ME!

My life revolves around this god forsaken illness and I’m done with it. I’m fed up of it. People hate me because of it. I can feel it. My partner, tries to understand, but she gets frustrated because she doesn’t really understand. And, I can’t make her understand. I hate it. I wish everybody in the whole world could just have depression for one day. Just one day. Then, they would realize. I’m not lazy, it’s not because I choose to feel like this. I don’t choose to feel like I want to kill myself on a daily basis. I don’t choose to cut myself to make myself deal with things better and release some tension. I don’t choose to eat and eat and eat until I feel sick because I feel bad about myself. I don’t choose to snap at the people closest to me because they don’t understand.

NONE OF THIS IS A CHOICE

TRUST ME

IF IT WAS, IT WOULD HAVE ENDED A LONG TIME AGO!!!!!

8 thoughts on “Depression”

  1. I know what you mean. It took a while to explain to my parents that I’m not just having a bad time, that I can have good days and smile and laugh but that it doesn’t mean I’m “cured”.
    I have depression and Asperger’s syndrome, which is another “invisible disability”. All the time I hear “nah, look at you, you talk and laugh and you seem really normal to me. I don’t think you have any issues.” It’s exhausting and tiring.
    I came to the conclusion that I don’t try to defend myself anymore if someone doesn’t believe me or doesn’t understand. The people that I hold dear believe me and they try to understand as far as it’s possible for someone looking in from the outside.
    I’m sure those around you do, too. That’s what counts.
    Depression is an illness, just like all the other long-term illnesses out there. Just because you don’t have blotches on your skin or fever doesn’t make it less so. It doesn’t even matter what “infected” you; depression has a knack for feeding itself. But it can be overcome, and if not, it can be tamed. (There’s a very cute book series explaining depression to children by showing it as an invisible, big, black dog following you around.)
    Be strong. 🙂

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  3. The beautiful thing about the Internet is that you will find many people (including myself although very mildly) that can relate. The average person in the street might not understand however some people on here will know what you are going through pretty well.
    Stay strong!

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